Sunday, October 20, 2013


Have you ever been afraid of living?

I've experienced the fear of death, its something I overcame long ago as a child. I think that fear is something that's passed down in humanity, and honestly, death is truly just another adventure. And I found peace with the idea of my own death when I came to peace with Christ.

But have you heard of the fear of life?

It's silly really, the fears I have. I'm told people my age have them- that they're natural...

But I'm not so sure.

I've recently discovered my biggest weakness. I learn from other's mistakes. My mother told me that this is a good, strong characteristic, something that she wishes she had.

I disagree. I disagree completely. I've learned from other's mistakes. I've seen what happened to my brother when he misbehaved in class, so I never did. I saw what happened to my sister when she stole a pack of gum, so I never did. I watched what happened to my friends when they developed crushes, so I never did. I saw. I saw. and I never did.

Its a weakness, this trait I've learned. I watch my friends and my peers and I watch their mistakes... and I see their consequences so I never do. And I never will. It's not a habit I can break, its not something to overcome, it just is.

But, is it because I am afraid? Afraid of life?

Life. Its something that's always been abstract, but I think of it as experiences. Good and bad. Decisions and people and places. Life is what you make of it... right?

So what have I made of mine? - you've got School and Germany and College and Work and Future... but the in-betweens, the little things? The going out when you'er not supposed to, having that extra drink when you know you shouldn't, going on that trip even though moneys tight, spending that time with friends, falling in love, breaking your heart, having fights, fixing friendships afterwards...

All those "mistakes" that I've seen people make. When will I start?