fear

Have you ever been afraid of living?

I've experienced the fear of death, its something I overcame long ago as a child. I think that fear is something that's passed down in humanity, and honestly, death is truly just another adventure. And I found peace with the idea of my own death when I came to peace with Christ.

But have you heard of the fear of life?

It's silly really, the fears I have. I'm told people my age have them- that they're natural...

But I'm not so sure.

I've recently discovered my biggest weakness. I learn from other's mistakes. My mother told me that this is a good, strong characteristic, something that she wishes she had.

I disagree. I disagree completely. I've learned from other's mistakes. I've seen what happened to my brother when he misbehaved in class, so I never did. I saw what happened to my sister when she stole a pack of gum, so I never did. I watched what happened to my friends when they developed crushes, so I never did. I saw. I saw. and I never did.

Its a weakness, this trait I've learned. I watch my friends and my peers and I watch their mistakes... and I see their consequences so I never do. And I never will. It's not a habit I can break, its not something to overcome, it just is.

But, is it because I am afraid? Afraid of life?

Life. Its something that's always been abstract, but I think of it as experiences. Good and bad. Decisions and people and places. Life is what you make of it... right?

So what have I made of mine? - you've got School and Germany and College and Work and Future... but the in-betweens, the little things? The going out when you'er not supposed to, having that extra drink when you know you shouldn't, going on that trip even though moneys tight, spending that time with friends, falling in love, breaking your heart, having fights, fixing friendships afterwards...

All those "mistakes" that I've seen people make. When will I start?

hannah

Failure

When I was in first grade there were these tests each student could take, designed to increase a desire to read and increase standardized reading levels. I don't know if you had them but they were called ARR tests. I don't remember what they stand for, but I remember that's what they were called because they have the same initials as my younger sister.

In the first grade I was terrified of taking these tests. Every week we'd have and hour where we'd go to the library/ computer lab and those who had finished a book could go to the computer lab and take a test over it (each book had about 10 questions) and in the classroom you'd get a star for passing the test.

That year, I'd spend that whole hour in the library mulling over which books to get and always picking different ones. And I would read the books, but I intentional avoided those ARR tests.

I was afraid. I was afraid of failure.

I don't know why, but I had convinced myself that I was incapable of passing those tests.

My teacher must have noticed, because she told my mother, and on the last week of school, that last hour in the library, my mother came to class and she sat with me. She asked me if I wanted to take a test on one of the books I'd read. I told her no and she asked why and I said I didn't want to.

Silly me, that reason didn't stick, and my mother encouraged me and took me over to a computer and we sat and we took the test together.

Surprisingly (surprisingly to me), I got all ten out of ten. And I was proud of myself, my mother smiling and encouraging and telling me how smart I was.

It funny, how even today I let failure keep me from even trying. The fear, the fear that I will try and find myself lacking and incapable of accomplishing, it gets in the way.

I still try, I can't remember anything recently that I haven't tried because I was afraid of failing, but there are thing in my future, things I feel called to do and want to do, that I am afraid of.

My life has big things waiting for me. So many roads to travel, so many experiences to have...

And I wont let fear keep me from them.

-Hannah

backwards?

I dont understand anymore.

Hard work, dilligence, striving for something greater... I can understand that. I can understand setbacks and trials. I can understand the loss of great friendships and being alone.

I understand all of this. I've done it before, and I'll probably have to do it again.

But I dont understand this anymore. Where does hard turn into the impossible?

When does the perpetual yellow light turn to red? When do I decide to turn back? Should I? Should I let this defeat me... is that what God had planned from the beginning?

To let me plant my feet so firmly in this direction that when he pulls the rug it does a lot more than just bruise my ego.

I dont understand anymore. and I'm tired of it.

Vacation

School. Work. Homework.
School. Work. Homework.
School. Work. Homework.

Its all I do. Its all Im made to do. I feel like it will continue for the rest of my life.

School. Work. Homework.

I need a vacation. Not just a week away, spending my time in the sun or enjoying a good book with some orange juice and fast food, not a week in the mountains with clear skies and adventures beyond every tree.

I need a true and long and glorious vacation.

What I mean is, I need a new life. I need time to explore a new city and make new friends, find a new job and attend a new school, where hopefully for a long time it will feel like a vacation from now rather than School. Work. Homework...

For those of you who have spent your life sedimentary in one place. Living in the same house you were born in or knowing the same people you've known since kindergarten... good for you. But Im not built that way. I cant live that way.

For the majority of my conscious life Ive moved on average every four years. I meet new people. I explore new places, find new interests... and then I move on. Ive kept a few friends, the good ones, the ones that matter, from each place, but for the rest of it I put it in a box labeled: Last Adventure... and I move on.

Colorado Springs. I loved living in you. I loved the places and the mountains and the adventures Ive had, but I cant stand you any more. You're turning into a bad rash that no matter how much I itch never seems to have any relief. Please, understand that as much as you've helped me, and many doors that you opened for me... I already consider you as something of the past.

And yet Im still here.

And its not going away.

School. Work. Homework.

I need to move on.

Freedom

I was asked once, in the heat of a debate with a large group of people, what do I think freedom is.

I gave my answer, clearly and honestly and without any hesitation. I believe freedom is the right to free speech, to own land, to bear arms, and to vote without others knowing who Ive voted for.

I was told, after that statement, that I was being too literal, reading it right out of a book, not being sincere, a mere regurgitation of what I'd heard before.

Maybe if I had been more eloquent about my words and said: "My freedom is to be able to purchase any kind of jam or jelly I want, and be offered as many as I want," than maybe they would've listened to me. But I'm saying it now, in whatever words I want.

My freedom is to speak my mind and have no concerns about the safety of myself or my family. To make friends with whomever I chose and have no need to worry about political or religious orientations. To have a free market where if I have the money and wish to purchase something, I may do so without my governments consent, and if I so chose to own a legal weapon for the safety of my family and myself. And the freedom to love whom I wish how I wish and have as many children (or the lack there of) as I wish.

I don't understand why I was chastised for my views on freedom, but I do know this, if anyone ever attempts to take them away from me, I will fight, and it will be a fight to recon with.

Old Past Dies Hard

Facebook is, in short, amazing. It lets you meet people you know in person and maybe get to know them.

What it really does; however, is allow you to pretend you're friends with a lot of people and slowly but surely lose contact with people who probably could have been life long friends, over a short period of time.

Today I spent a while looking at pictures of people I knew from school. People I liked and talked to every day, but never got around to knowing. I was always that one girl that was nice, gave some sound advise, but never really entered into their life's problems.

Was that what I wanted? To be a shadow. In truth, I think so. I dont like drama. I find it stupid, time wasting, and infuriating. Over the course of my life Ive learned a little about human folly and the innate sense of self importants in all issues. Of course this applies to me as well, but in friendship I always try to turn it around.

They tell you to pick your friends carefully, and I find that lesson the hardest to learn. The people who I could've been friends with, could've gotten to know, were my closest friends, and now a distant memory.

Its my own fault.

But in some odd way, I feel relieved.

Christmas

Every year I spend a great time preparing myself for Christmas. For a few more recent years that meant budgeting my money and finding a way NOT to spend all my money on my family. I always end up thinking, "Oh no! I only got them one present when I got the rest of my family two!!" So I end up spending even more money to get him/her a second one... maybe even a third. But it works out in the end and Ive never felt like I gave a bad gift, which is quite an achievement.

I put up decorations and wear scarves even in warmer weather. If there is snow, I play in it. Snow men to snow forts to snow angles, if it snows than I will definitely be out in it. Christmas radio is on from dusk till dawn, and when it isn't, even in my sleep, I sing carols.

Last Christmas was interesting. Being away from my family for the entire year was difficult, but being away for Christmas (and thus my birthday) I felt strangely detached from them, which is something I have never felt before.

This year, oddly enough, the feeling of detachment continues. The feeling that I am some distant and almost forgotten part of my families festivities just wont go away. Not to say they are lacking in anything. This year there are more decorations in every room than there have ever been in our house. I put up lights and beads and ornaments until my fingers felt numb. I have had one of the best snow fights I have ever had and I sing a wider array of songs than what I am used to.

But, the strange feeling of Christmas (and thus my birthday) ... being eons away wont go away.

I wonder why.